Jokes / Humor

Unbroke - Behind the Scenes ABC Special

Tarogasini — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:08:25 GMT

Daily dose show!

GraveDigger — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:35:40 GMT

How Japanese are learning English? You can post some funny videos in this topic

Are You A Cool Cat At Work

Max� — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 10:33:54 GMT

New employee You are listening to Stevie Wonder It's your first day at work and everything is great After 3 months... You are listening to HOUSE music because you're so busy you're not sure if you're coming or going After 6 months... You are listening to Heavy Metal because your working day has mysteriously lengthened to 16 hours After 9 months... You are listening to Hip Hop having become fat and constipated due to stress After a year... You ...

Stuttering Problem

Hotdogs — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 07:16:04 GMT

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of ...

Obsessions

Hotdogs — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 06:18:37 GMT

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. �You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your ...

Australian Kiss

129joe — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:56:14 GMT

What's an Australian Kiss?

The same as a French Kiss, but "Down Under"

Slippers

Hotdogs — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 08:11:36 GMT

A man named John was lifting heavy crates, when a big shelf collapsed on him and broke his leg. John had some time off work. The next day, John's friend - Max - went over to Johns house to lend a helping hand. John and Max were sitting in the living room when Max said, "Is there anything I can do for you Johnny?" John replied by saying, "Come to think of it, my feet are cold, can you please race upstairs and get my slippers?" "Sure." Said Max. Max ...

Super Computer

129joe — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 01:43:44 GMT

Bill was having a drink with his friend when he complained "My elbow really hurts! I guess I should see the Doctor" "His friend said "It takes forever to see the Doctor, then he gives you an expensive prescription for expensive medication and an expensive visit to the physio, you should try that new computer at the drug store. Take a sample of your urine, the computer will diagnose your illness and tell you what to do inside a minute, it only costs $10. Bill decide ...

Windows XP eror messages

arif — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:00:31 GMT

New error messages currently under consideration for the new Windows XP operating system... 1 Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2 Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3 BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 4 Close your eyes and press escape three times. 5 File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/and) 6 Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 7 Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 8 Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 9 ...

Lighting farts can be dangerous

record4 — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 18:51:44 GMT

Update on Banking crisis... news from Japan

SophieDophs — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:09:54 GMT

Update on Banking crisis... news from Japan Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank ...

A man and woman on a plane

record4 — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 01:08:03 GMT

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one ...

Top 10 thoughts of 2008

Nessa — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 10:58:05 GMT

Top 10 Thoughts For 2008 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for ...

Becareful when choosing a life partner

arif — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:14:57 GMT

]Guys Be careful... When u are choosing the person that u will marry if u don't want your kids 2 become like this in the future. Lolz x-x-x x-x-x x-x-x = x-x-x x-x-x

never trust girls..lol

arif — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:24:52 GMT

Guys never trust a girls and dont even take you friend when you go meet her..

my wife

arif — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:13:02 GMT

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! "

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, You idiot!" The man shouts. " This is her HUSBAND"..

Wave back!

129joe — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 03:58:39 GMT

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

Wave to him?

Harley Davidson

Nessa — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 17:20:27 GMT

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is:you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.' St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!' Arthur ...

Chuck Norris Facts

M.D — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:05:53 GMT

* If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. * There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. * Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. * Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. * Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. * When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris counted ...

Unlock the Door

Nessa — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:53:16 GMT

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means ...

Incredibly Brutal Japanese Baseball Fight

M.D — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:47:20 GMT

http://videomule.blogspot.com/2008/07/incredibly-brutal-japanese-baseball.html http://view.break.com/527552 - Watch more free videos

WOW Videos

kkhanna2020 — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:17:17 GMT

Woops.. it's damn funny..lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20MzPiD5Y1M

BTW: How do you post/embed the videos on the forum thread itself..?

Rewind

129joe — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:39:25 GMT

I started to watch my wedding video on REWIND. It's brilliant - I take the ring off her finger, I walk out of the Church, Jump in the sort of car I could never afford whilst I've been married & head off to the pub!

Afternoon Quickie

Nessa — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:48:43 GMT

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ordered him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking ...

Lost balls

129joe — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 04:51:39 GMT

A golfer staggers into Hospital with a black eye, a bloodied nose & a golf club wrapped around his neck. A nurse comes to help him & says "My God - what happened to you?" He replied:- My wife & I were playing golf together, when we both hit our tee-shots over into the nearby field. We went into the field to search for the balls & I spotted a flash of white when a cow swung its tail, I went over to the cow & lifted the tail & sure enough it was ...

Not a redhead.

129joe — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:00:07 GMT

A redhead goes to the Doctor & says her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Show me" says the Dr.
The redhead takes her finger & pushes her breast & screams.
Then she presses her elbow & screams even more.
Everywhere she presses, she screams.
The Doctor says "You're not really a redhead are you?"
"No, I'm actually a blonde, how can you tell?" she asks.
"Your finger's broken!"

Gender of the Computer

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:52:39 GMT

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer ...

The Virgin

Skittles — Sat, 24 May 2008 22:03:51 GMT

the virgin joke... this is funny... Body: virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's ...

Marriage

Nessa — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 16:40:08 GMT

The Why's of Men...

Nessa — Fri, 16 May 2008 00:09:01 GMT

The Why's of Men...lol 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? ...

Getting Even.

129joe — Fri, 23 May 2008 05:44:21 GMT

One day we found an old mangy cat wandering around outside our front door. She was in a dreadful state, starving, dirty, terrible smell, skinny & all her hair matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier & took her to our vet. We didn't know what to call her so we just called her "Pussycat". The vet decided to keep her for a couple of days to check her over thoroughly & would let us know when to collect her. My husband (the complainer of the ...

Out of the mouths of Babes! (Kids not hot women!).

129joe — Mon, 19 May 2008 22:08:20 GMT

It seems a few of us are parents so heres a new topic aimed at airing the funny things our kids say or do.

Just tell us anything that may be amusing.

Blondes joke : A curtain

MissGeek — Tue, 20 May 2008 08:04:33 GMT

Translation of a joke I found on chezmaya.com A blonde enters in a curtain store. - Can I help you lady? - I'm looking for pink curtains. The storekeeper shows her a large choice of pink curtains. After long minutes and a lot of hesitation, she chooses a pink curtain with flower patterns. - How many feet do you want? - 12 inches? - 12 feet? - No, 12 inches please. - Are you sure ? I have never seen such a tiny window !. - It's for my computer. - But your computer doesn't ...

Geek joke - Ubuntu's simplified install procedure

MissGeek — Wed, 14 May 2008 05:05:33 GMT

Note : This joke was originally published in French on the D�sencyclop�die (french version of the Wikipedia parody), and a Ubuntu user took it to publish it on his blog. So I had to translate it myself and there might be some mistakes. Frenchies can find the original joke here : http://www.breizh-ardente.fr/dotclear/ Ubunteros will enjoy this joke ^^ UBUNTU : Simplified install procedure 1 - Download Windows Vista on a P2P soft (secured payment) 2 - Format the hard drive ...

In Heat???

Skittles — Wed, 07 May 2008 18:18:03 GMT

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk Around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle For a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in Heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with Gasoline, and scrubbed the ...

Tweety Funny Prayer

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:18:18 GMT

10 Best Answering Machine Messages

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:46:45 GMT

Best 10 Answering Machine Messages 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get ...

you got a male

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:36:00 GMT

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a blessed little Popup ...

Dinner Conversation GONE WRONG

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:31:25 GMT

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we ...

Real Women vs. Ladies

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:00:56 GMT

Ladies Vs. REAL Women LADIES - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." LADIES - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. ...

Differences between Men and Women

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:56:04 GMT

MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale. BATHROOM A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from a hotel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 481. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning ...

Before and After the Wedding

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:27:38 GMT

Before - You take my breath away After - I feel like I'm suffocating Before - Twice a night After - Twice a month Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac Before - Saturday Night Fever After - Monday Night Football Before - Don't stop After - Don't start Before - Is that all you're having? After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey Before - It's like I'm living ...

Random, Mostly Stupid Jokes.

gracielaine — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:24:35 GMT

1. A man is driving down the freeway with his two pet penguins when he gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. After the cop hands over the speeding ticket to the driver, he notices the 2 penguins. The cop informs the driver that he must take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agrees to do so. Two months later, the same man is pulled over by the same cop for speeding. The cop notices the penguins again only now they are wearing sun glasses and eating ice cream. The cop says, "I ...

windows error messages

valhalla — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:57:47 GMT

Vista: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! ...

True Love

Nessa — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 07:08:10 GMT

LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her ...

3 little pigs....lol!

valhalla — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 11:03:21 GMT

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad ...

the wash cloth

valhalla — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 11:12:22 GMT

> > Ladies this has to be read, laughed at, and passed on. There is not a > > woman alive today who won't crack up over this! And guys ... well, you > > just have no idea! > > > > I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. > > Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell > > me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only > > just packed everyone off to ...

German Midget Laughing at Camel

Camulus — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 04:35:35 GMT

Here is a clip of a German Midget Laughing at a Camel.
This is on YouTube. This is rated PG.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKyqoPinEL4

2 prawns...

valhalla — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 11:06:55 GMT

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" ...

Male Vs Female at the ATM Machine

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:52:17 GMT

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your ...