Random, Mostly Stupid Jokes.

1.
A man is driving down the freeway with his two pet penguins when he gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. After the cop hands over the speeding ticket to the driver, he notices the 2 penguins. The cop informs the driver that he must take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agrees to do so.

Two months later, the same man is pulled over by the same cop for speeding. The cop notices the penguins again only now they are wearing sun glasses and eating ice cream. The cop says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The man responds, "I did take them to the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach."



2.
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

3.
A man bought a new hearing aid and was telling a friend how much he liked it. "It's the best hearing aid I've ever had," he said."I can hear so well, I don't miss a thing. It's wonderful."

His friend said,"What kind is it?" The man said,"A quarter to five."

4.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother-in-law?"

He said, "Call for backup."

5.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

7.
A wise schoolteacher sends this note home to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he/she says happens at home."

Madhur Agarwal